I was ‘attempting’ to sort out my burgeoning inbox. I think each time Yahoo! increases mailbox
capacity, they thought of users like me who rarely deletes messages and
believes that the search box is the most important organizational tool. So while I was going through my files, I came
across an email I sent out to my closest friends four years ago.
It occurred to me that despite having shared so many things
about my pregnancy and labor in my blog, I have never shared this ONE
thing. Maybe that’s the thing, we are
fast to share happy and glorious events of our lives but are reluctant for the
non-glorious ones. Who wants to remember
them anyway?
Until I read my letter again and I felt humbled… and a certain kind of pride and of understated
strength. We are our experience. Each line on our face speaks stories of our
lives. So after much deliberation of
whether I should post a personal letter of mine, I realized that the reason why
I started this blog in the first place was to inform, better yet inspire even
at least a single soul. I am grateful
others have shared their stories, I am passing it on.
Coincidentally too (some would refute that there is no such
thing as coincidence, such the book as Celestine Prophecy), a cousin’s wife
just had a similar experience as mine. I
am reminded that we have more similarities than differences than we’d like to
think. After all, we are all part of this
journey together.
22 May 2008
(At home in Singapore)
Hi Everyone!
I have some sad news for you
guys this time. I would say sad instead of bad for the reason that bad only
means bad if nothing good can come out of it. At least, that's how I choose to look
at it.
I have always believed in intuition,
especially in a woman's intuition. It was intuition that led me to believe that
I might be pregnant just one week after our Italy trip. It was also the same intuition that gave me the
suspicion that the absence of associated symptoms like morning sickness, nausea
or vomiting was just too good to be true. Either I'm in the most tiptop shape
of my life or something was just not right.
My suspicion was confirmed when
my husband and I visited our doctor last Tuesday, 20th of May for our regular
ultrasound check-up. The moment I looked up at the screen expecting to see an 8-week
pregnancy stage, (pictures still vivid from the many books we have studied) and
finding something else staring back at us, I knew something was definitely
wrong. The placenta, yoke or sac has not grown in size at all after two weeks.
It just suddenly ceased to develop and there was no sign
of an embryo.
The inevitable was to happen.
The doctor had to do an operation called "evacuation of the uterus"
or "wash" and was to be done immediately to prevent progressing into
an emergency case. That was the last sentence that registered in my mind even
when she kept explaining why the operation had to be done blah blah… I was
suddenly speaking incoherently, cutting her in mid-sentences and asking
questions like "was it because I continue to be very busy at work, etc..?". It's the
first thing any mother (or mom-to-be in my case) would ask. She reassured me
however that the problem most likely started at the very beginning. It might
have been a response to soothe a distressed lady but what's done is done and
you make sense of it as you go along.
I would like to think that one
of the strengths that my husband and I both share is a rational mind. With just
the two of us in Singapore, making big decisions on our own have prepared us to meet challenges on a daily
basis. No one ever does the decision alone. We would stay up late at night
debating pros and cons till the obvious surfaces. Somehow this time however,
the rational mind only helped us as far as accepting that there is nothing that
we can do and that's the most painful thing.
The operation happened the
following day, 21st of May at 12:30pm. I was to fast 6-7 hours before the
operation so I ate my breakfast at 5:30am in the morning. I was very tired. I
had to force food down my throat as I barely slept that night, tossing and turning,
sobbing, thinking, reflecting, questioning, surrendering… and finally accepting
with a heavy heart.
As I was lying on the mobile
bed being wheeled towards the operating room, I was surprised to find myself
busy looking at the details of the hospital design, the warm beige paint on the
wall, the unique way of how the bright lights were mounted sideways on the
walls instead at the usual ceiling. From a distance, I observed the nurses
scurrying around for their schedules wearing bright Crocs footwear (my sister
is the Crocs distributor in our hometown). The architectural training of
attention to details I had for so many years have kept my mind free from worry
and my heart from ache.
This is when I realized that
everything will be okay. It's all part of the human experience. You expand your
heart and breathe it in. You open yourself to a wave of profound emotions and let
it take you where it leads you. I remember on our wedding day, my dad in his
speech gave this message to us "Be kind to everyone, everything else will
follow. And if you try to understand everything in the grand scheme of things,
kindness will follow". I have never fully understood the depth of those
words till now.
Speaking of parents, hubby and
I are always lucky when it comes to perfect timing. Everything about us is
perfect timing, from the serendipity of our similar flight from Davao to
Manila, to our settlement here in Singapore. So when this fateful event
happened in our lives, timing again was on our side. My parents were in town
visiting us and are still here to help me recuperate. After hearing the news,
my dad despite busy schedule in Davao did not hesitate to extend for another
week to accompany my mom and me. They just do everything together for as long
as I can remember.
Alfred and I have grown closer
than ever. I am truly blessed with such an intelligent and kind man. After the
operation, he looked more haggard than I was. I could not forget when I woke
up, he was at my side, held my hand and said "thank you". I was
puzzled at first at his words, but somehow I knew what he meant. Now, we are
excited to plan our next holiday trip in 2 months’ time. Spain and Portugal?
Australia? States? UK? The list goes on…
I sometimes ask myself, maybe I
should have waited after 1st trimester to announce the news. That would have
saved me a lot of trouble explaining. But if I didn't, I would not have the chance
to share a sad yet poignant story - a story of human experience that we share
to one another, to learn from one another, and ultimately to become a person of
empathy and kindness. I am indeed grateful that I have my friends. Thank you
for sharing with me the happy and sad events of my life. The story of our lives
continues hehehe...
Regards to everyone.
Love,
Christine
Afternote: UK WON! Sharing some random pics of our 2-week trip =)
Afternote: UK WON! Sharing some random pics of our 2-week trip =)
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Overlooking Edinburgh, Scotland
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